Quote Friday

Reposting this from the archives for Quote Friday. Enjoy!

From Groucho

Groucho Marx:

"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped."

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend to read it."

"Go, and never darken my towels again."

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

"I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER."

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

Margaret Dumont: "Why, that reminds me of my youth!!"
Groucho: "He must be a pretty big boy by now."

A Day at the Races:

Man: "Are you a man or a mouse?"
Groucho: "Put a piece of cheese on the floor and you'll find out."

"And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!"

A Night at the Opera:

Lassparri: "They threw an apple at me!"
Groucho: "Well, watermelons are out of season."

A Night in Casablanca:

"We've got to speed things up in this hotel. Chef, if a guest orders a three-minute egg, give it to him in two minutes. If he orders a two-minute egg, give it to him in one minute. If he orders a one-minute egg, give him a chicken and let him work it out for himself."

Groucho: "You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world?"
Woman: "Really?"
Groucho: "No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere."

Animal Crackers:

"We must remember that art is art. Well, on the other hand water is water isn't it? And east is east and west is west. And if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rubarb does."

"Do you mind if I don't smoke?"

"I'm Captain Scotland of the Spalding Yard...Captain Yard of the Scotland Spalding"

Horse Feathers:

"Members of the faculty, faculty members. Students of Huxley and Huxley's students. Well I guess that covers everything"

"Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?"

"Have we got a college? Have we got a football team?....Well we can't afford both. Tomorrow we start tearing down the college."

From Groucho

Groucho Marx:

"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped."

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend to read it."

"Go, and never darken my towels again."

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

"I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER."

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

Margaret Dumont: "Why, that reminds me of my youth!!"
Groucho: "He must be a pretty big boy by now."

A Day at the Races:

Man: "Are you a man or a mouse?"
Groucho: "Put a piece of cheese on the floor and you'll find out."

"And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!"

A Night at the Opera:

Lassparri: "They threw an apple at me!"
Groucho: "Well, watermelons are out of season."

A Night in Casablanca:

"We've got to speed things up in this hotel. Chef, if a guest orders a three-minute egg, give it to him in two minutes. If he orders a two-minute egg, give it to him in one minute. If he orders a one-minute egg, give him a chicken and let him work it out for himself."

Groucho: "You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world?"
Woman: "Really?"
Groucho: "No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere."

Animal Crackers:

"We must remember that art is art. Well, on the other hand water is water isn't it? And east is east and west is west. And if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rubarb does."

"Do you mind if I don't smoke?"

"I'm Captain Scotland of the Spalding Yard...Captain Yard of the Scotland Spalding"

Horse Feathers:

"Members of the faculty, faculty members. Students of Huxley and Huxley's students. Well I guess that covers everything"

"Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?"

"Have we got a college? Have we got a football team?....Well we can't afford both. Tomorrow we start tearing down the college."

Groucho

We really get a kick out of the Marx bros. This photo is from their movie At the Circus.







One movie that we all agree is tops in the funny dept. is Duck Soup. Here are some of my favorite quotes.

Lady-I welcome you with open arms.
Groucho-Is that so? How late do you stay open?

Groucho- That covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground. You better beat it. I hear they’re gonna tear you down and put up an office building where you stand. You can leave in a taxi. If you can’t get a taxi, you can leave in a huff, if that’s too soon you can leave in a minute and a huff.

Groucho- You know you haven’t stopped talking since I came here? You must've been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

Lady-Promise me you’ll follow in the footsteps of my late husband.

Groucho-How do you like that? I haven’t been on the job 5 minutes and already she’s making advances to me.

Groucho-Where is your husband?

Lady-He’s dead.

Groucho-I bet he’s just using that as an excuse.

Lady-I was with him till the very end.

Groucho-Hum, no wonder he passed away.

Lady-I held him in my arms and kissed him.

Groucho- Oh, then it was murder. Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first.

Lady-Oh, Your Excellency.

Groucho-Your not so bad yourself.

Lady-Having him with us is a very great pleasure.

Visitor-Thank you, but I can’t stay very long.

Groucho-That’s an even greater pleasure.

Visitor-Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?

Groucho-I don’t think so. I’m not sure I’m seeing you now. It must’ve been something I ate.

Groucho- Don’t look now but there’s one man too many in the room and I think it’s you.

Groucho- The Secretary of War is out of order! Which reminds me, so is our plumbing.

Man-The workers are demanding shorter hours.

Groucho-Very well. We’ll give them shorter hours. We’ll start by cutting their lunch hour to 20 minutes.

Lady-I wash my hands of the whole business.

Groucho-Good idea. You can wash your neck too.

Groucho- I’ve got a good idea to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Groucho-I’ve got an important job for you but first I’ve got to ask you a couple of important questions. Now, what is it that has four pair of pants, lives in Philadelphia, and it never rains but it pours?

Chico-That’s a good one. I give you three guesses.

Zeppo-The man is trying to undermine you! Now, what are you going to do about it?

Groucho-I’ve got a good idea to ring his doorbell and run.

Groucho- Maybe you could suggest something. In fact, you do suggest something- a baboon. I’m sorry I said that. It’s not fair to the other baboons.

Groucho-I can see you right now in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, but I can’t see the stove.

Lady-What are you thinking of?

Groucho-Oh, I was just thinking about all the years I’ve wasted collecting stamps.

Lady-He’s had a change of heart.

Groucho- A lot of good that’ll do him, he’s still got the same face.

Lady-Oh, Your Excellency, isn’t there something I can do?

Groucho-Yeah, but we’ll talk about that later.

Groucho(after being locked in the bathroom)- Hey, let me out! Let me out! Let me out of here or throw me a magazine.

Groucho- I got rid of habius corpus, but I should’ve gotten rid of you.

Groucho- He may look like an idiot, and talk like an idiot. But don’t let him fool you, he really is an idiot.

Groucho-Remember, you're fighting for this woman’s honor. Which is probably more than she ever did.