"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend to read it."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
Margaret Dumont: "Why, that reminds me of my youth!!"
Groucho: "He must be a pretty big boy by now."
A Day at the Races:
Man: "Are you a man or a mouse?"
Groucho: "Put a piece of cheese on the floor and you'll find out."
"And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!"
A Night at the Opera:
Lassparri: "They threw an apple at me!"
Groucho: "Well, watermelons are out of season."
A Night in Casablanca:
"We've got to speed things up in this hotel. Chef, if a guest orders a three-minute egg, give it to him in two minutes. If he orders a two-minute egg, give it to him in one minute. If he orders a one-minute egg, give him a chicken and let him work it out for himself."
Groucho: "You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world?"
Groucho: "No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere."
"We must remember that art is art. Well, on the other hand water is water isn't it? And east is east and west is west. And if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rubarb does."
"Do you mind if I don't smoke?"
"I'm Captain Scotland of the Spalding Yard...Captain Yard of the Scotland Spalding"
"Members of the faculty, faculty members. Students of Huxley and Huxley's students. Well I guess that covers everything"
"Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?"
"Have we got a college? Have we got a football team?....Well we can't afford both. Tomorrow we start tearing down the college."