One movie that we all agree is tops in the funny dept. is Duck Soup. Here are some of my favorite quotes.
Lady-I welcome you with open arms.
Groucho-Is that so? How late do you stay open?
Groucho- That covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground. You better beat it. I hear they’re gonna tear you down and put up an office building where you stand. You can leave in a taxi. If you can’t get a taxi, you can leave in a huff, if that’s too soon you can leave in a minute and a huff.
Groucho- You know you haven’t stopped talking since I came here? You must've been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.
Lady-Promise me you’ll follow in the footsteps of my late husband.
Groucho-How do you like that? I haven’t been on the job 5 minutes and already she’s making advances to me.
Groucho-Where is your husband?
Groucho-I bet he’s just using that as an excuse.
Lady-I was with him till the very end.
Groucho-Hum, no wonder he passed away.
Lady-I held him in my arms and kissed him.
Groucho- Oh, then it was murder. Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first.
Lady-Oh, Your Excellency.
Groucho-Your not so bad yourself.
Lady-Having him with us is a very great pleasure.
Visitor-Thank you, but I can’t stay very long.
Groucho-That’s an even greater pleasure.
Visitor-Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?
Groucho-I don’t think so. I’m not sure I’m seeing you now. It must’ve been something I ate.
Groucho- Don’t look now but there’s one man too many in the room and I think it’s you.
Groucho- The Secretary of War is out of order! Which reminds me, so is our plumbing.
Man-The workers are demanding shorter hours.
Groucho-Very well. We’ll give them shorter hours. We’ll start by cutting their lunch hour to 20 minutes.
Lady-I wash my hands of the whole business.
Groucho-Good idea. You can wash your neck too.
Groucho- I’ve got a good idea to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
Groucho-I’ve got an important job for you but first I’ve got to ask you a couple of important questions. Now, what is it that has four pair of pants, lives in Philadelphia, and it never rains but it pours?
Chico-That’s a good one. I give you three guesses.
Zeppo-The man is trying to undermine you! Now, what are you going to do about it?
Groucho-I’ve got a good idea to ring his doorbell and run.
Groucho- Maybe you could suggest something. In fact, you do suggest something- a baboon. I’m sorry I said that. It’s not fair to the other baboons.
Groucho-I can see you right now in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, but I can’t see the stove.
Lady-What are you thinking of?
Groucho-Oh, I was just thinking about all the years I’ve wasted collecting stamps.
Lady-He’s had a change of heart.
Groucho- A lot of good that’ll do him, he’s still got the same face.
Lady-Oh, Your Excellency, isn’t there something I can do?
Groucho-Yeah, but we’ll talk about that later.
Groucho(after being locked in the bathroom)- Hey, let me out! Let me out! Let me out of here or throw me a magazine.
Groucho- I got rid of habius corpus, but I should’ve gotten rid of you.
Groucho- He may look like an idiot, and talk like an idiot. But don’t let him fool you, he really is an idiot.
Groucho-Remember, you're fighting for this woman’s honor. Which is probably more than she ever did.